Grief and gratitude. Sadness and relief. Recognising and accepting opposites of emotion can help when we’re navigating the loss of a loved one.
Recently, my mum passed away at the age of 90. Anyone who has been through the loss of a parent understands the intense emotions that brings, and as the initial rush of grief subsides, I’ve been reflecting on the experience. And I’m struck by the contradictory emotions I’ve felt, and how the idea of polarities has helped me through.
Are you familiar with this concept? It’s pretty simple really: it tells us is that there’s a duality in everything. You can’t have a positive without a negative. An up without a down. Dark without light. Something, and its polar opposite.
I started my career in nursing. In mum’s final days, I was able to call on those skills to help make her more physically comfortable. I keenly felt the contradiction: the privilege to have learned these skills as a young woman, skills I could use many decades later to care for my mother. And simultaneously, the pain and sadness of seeing her so frail and vulnerable.
When I think about mum now, I feel two contradictory emotions: grief and gratitude. Her life was full of polarities: joys, sorrows, successes and failures. Through it all, she taught me to be grateful for every moment we shared together. She left behind a legacy of lessons, love and wisdom that I will always treasure.
I am also forever sad that she is no longer here with me.
Polarities represent the yin and yang of wellbeing. To navigate the world we have to find balance, and the framework of polarities helped me do that when sadness seemed overwhelming – there was gratitude, hiding just behind grief. Even in the moment, knowing that the opposite response is also allowed – it’s OK to cry, it’s OK to laugh – helped me find my way through the intense emotions of coping with loss.
In the aftermath, my baby brother and I are left here among the living while mum, dad and sister are together above. It’s another contradiction that helps us get through. In our mind’s eye they are playing together, reunited, while he and I continue to play down here – our family is divided but we have two playgrounds to celebrate in each day. We’re on Earth, they’re in Heaven, but we’re all with family, having a good time.
Her passing has left a void, but it has also given me a newfound appreciation for life and its fragility. I understand more than ever how important it is to cherish the moments we have with our loved ones. As I reflect on mum’s legacy, I’m reminded that by looking at both polarities – grief and gratitude – I more fully appreciate the beauty that comes from every experience.
You can contact me by email at debbie@dksonin.com.au, on LinkedIn at www.linkedin.com/in/debbiesonin or by phone on 0413 145 925.
